It doesn’t have to be scary. Sharing your child with more people to love them while there are many factors to consider, it can definitely be a blessing. If you've never been through an adoption before, getting some insight from those who have open adoptions as well as closed adoptions can be helpful in navigating the nature of your adoption.
Adoptions these days are primarily open to some degree. There is so much evidence pointing to healthier recovery for birth mothers as well as for adopted children when it comes to having an element of openness in an adoption. In case this is a new thing to you, openness is contact between birth parent and adopted child (as well as adoptive family) after an adoption is finalized. There is a very wide range of “openness” that you can find in the spectrum of adoptions. Birth parents and adoptive parents agree ahead of time so there won't be any big surprises.
Here are a couple examples:
-Birth parents receive a letter and pictures at varying intervals- from 1 time a year to multiple times a year.
-In person visits- one to multiple times a year. Sometimes a video chat may be an alternative here when distance to travel is a difficulty.
These aren’t examples I found in some research. These are my family’s examples. We have two open adoptions with varying relationships.
A reason adoptive parents may be hesitant to have a relationship with a birth parent is that they worry about confusion. What would our children call them? How do you explain two sets of parents to a child? Not that this isn’t a daunting task but as a parent of an adopted child, your role IS different… no matter all the things that you ARE to your child, you aren’t their biological mother. You will always share your child with another mother. Sharing is hard but like we teach our kids, sharing is caring.
Another reason people are fearful of open adoptions is that they worry their adoption will fall apart. What if the birth parents change their mind? Honestly, if the birth mother changes her mind at birth or shortly there-after, I would be heartbroken but how could I possibly deny her right to parent her child? Now, in NYS there is a legal risk period of 30 or 45 days from a signed surrender - they can change their mind. Being accommodating to someone who is entrusting you with the care of their child seems like it would help prevent this issue, if you ask me! In foster care, when a birth parent has their rights terminated, there is no legal risk in the next months leading up to the adoption. There are other risks, other family members might come out of the woodwork and seek custody, etc. (another post here too…). If you are “open” with information and possibly visitation, build healthy relationships, reassure the birth family of the rightness of their placement and the care you can give, it’s less likely for things to be initiated by the birth parent.
The next thing I have to say is hard. People who have adopted from foster care might struggle with this even more than others but it’s important. Love their birth families. Love isn’t only emotional, it’s a choice. It’s actively praying, speaking well, wanting their lives to be good ones, wanting them to know that you are loving their child in a way that represents Christ’s love. It’s also critically important to your adopted child’s self image. To know that your parents love and respect your origins (at the very least as humans who are made in God’s image) can make a big difference to them.
A child’s basic ability (or inability) to attach with their caretaker as a parent is formed early in development. For parents adopting a child who is not a newborn, there is a great vulnerability to accept the weaknesses that may already be there. Even parents adopting a newborn are facing a broken attachment to recover from. Everyone knows that babies know who their mother is when they’re born. To recover from this takes work and it is a process to heal the brain. If your (older adoption) child has a relationship with their birth parent that is not unhealthy, I encourage you to consider maintaining it in some form. This helps you avoid unnecessarily break off the very foundation that you are building upon for your own relationship with your child.
Adoption openness is generally set in a legal document called post-adoption contact agreement. We have one for one of our children and not the other. We have a good relationship with the birth family that doesn’t have an adoption agreement! That is the relationship that we have in person or video chats versus letters and pictures from us for the other. We started out scared in this realm. When we did adoption and foster care trainings, we were reminded that in adoption, it’s a triad- a triangle relationship. We only have these sweet children to parent because a birth parent chose life for that them. I feel pretty strongly for openness when possible but I know there are limitations. Ultimately, agree to what you’re comfortable with and go from there. Talk to your agency and your lawyer. Pray.
I hope this was helpful as you consider your options!
Blessings,
Kate
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