The words we choose matter. This is a truth that is found countless times in the Bible but don’t we know it inherently? Can’t we all point to a time when someone has said something to us that crushed us? Uplifted us? Words matter.
A couple weeks ago, I was having lunch with friends. We all had our own story in regard to how long we were single, dating, engaged, married without kids, tried for children, etc. The subject of how nosy people can be (and how completely rude) came up.
We spent a few minutes comparing how people think it’s actually okay to say, “so when do you think you’ll get married?” to a couple who are dating. Not to mention the slew of awkward questions about having children after getting married. We all had many accounts of instances we were faced with comments/questions that seemed too personal to fathom.
I think personally, I’m extra sensitive about this because of how hurt I was while we were trying (and failing) to start a family. The assumption is that a young couple who clearly loves kids should have kids. So what’s the hold up? My spirit was CRUSHED, broken, betrayed, and more by every time someone said, “So, do you think you’ll have kids soon?” or “are you pregnant?” (don’t even get me started on that… do I LOOK pregnant?!). Most of the time I just couldn’t bring myself to explain the whole story. Sometimes, I told it and then I didn’t feel any better because whoever was asking then felt terrible!
This narrative is not meant to tell you never to ask questions or discuss children with anybody. But, just be sensitive to the MANY reasons behind a woman’s single status, the length of her engagement, how long they wait to have kids, if they adopt, etc.
On the other hand, words can be a means of grace and encouragement. Two days after that lunch, I was in the grocery story with both kids- a challenge to be sure. While checking out, I was starting to lose patience but worked hard to be soft spoken and sweet. That is HARD WORK after grocery shopping with a 5 year old and 9 month old. The lady behind me in line said simply, “I have to tell you, it is so nice to see a mother who demonstrates her love for her kids in public. It’s so often we see the opposite, I wanted to make sure you knew you were doing it right.”
Wow.
I held it together until we got in the car where I got misty eyed. She did NOT know how much I needed to hear that.
Just this past weekend, I saw a former coworker who sought me out to tell me motherhood looked becoming on me. That I radiated joy. If only she knew what a hard week I had had! I am telling you, these simple comments were beyond uplifting.
But how can we do this for others? How can we stop the cycle of awkward/ rude/ nosy questions?
1. Be slow to speak. Think.
James 1: 19 Know this, my beloved brothers; let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger;
Psalms 141: 3 Set a guard, O Lord, over my mouth; keep watch over the door of my lips!
2. Build people up
Ephesians 4: 29 Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.
3. Consider where they’re coming from. STOP thinking about your life as the example of what should or shouldn’t be.
Matthew 7: 3-5 Why do you see the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, 'let me take the speck out of your eye,' when there is the log in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother's eye.
4. Pray for wisdom in your relationships.
James 3: 17 But the wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, open to reason, full of mercy and good fruits, impartial and sincere.
5. Maybe don’t say anything. Actions speak louder than words. 1 John 3:18 Little children, let us not love in word or talk but in deed and in truth.
Ephesians 5: 32 Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another as God in Christ forgave you.
James 3: 6 And the tongue is a fire, a world of unrighteousness. The tongue is set among our members, staining the whole body, setting on fire the entire course of life and set on fire by hell.
