As a foster/adoptive mom, I've had some moments where I feel more their mom and moments where I feel less the mom. I'm his foster mom. Her adoptive mom.
Do not mistake my title to mean that "I've got this" or "I'm so good, I own being a mom." No, I mean taking ownership over motherhood. In foster care, you don't know how long you will be caring for a child. They are "yours" temporarily- and that's a generous way to put it.
Kids generally want to go back to their bio-parents, and who could blame them? Even as you are filled in with details that show that they may not achieve reunification, you can still hear the hope when different things come up. It's part of your job to encourage a positive relationship with birth parents as long as that is the best interest for the children. Still...
It's really hard to hear things like- "I wrote a Valentine to my mom [read: birth mom], want to hear it? It says, 'mommy, you are my favorite mommy. You are a nice mommy. I love you'".
Ugh.
I know that the sweetness of his thoughts for his mother doesn't mean he doesn't love me. I know it doesn't mean he thinks I'm not nice. But... it's a hard reminder that he is facing such a difficult time in his life (whether he is really aware of that or not).
That said, I am his mom.
I feed him, I bathe him, I clothe him, I snuggle him, read to him, help him with his school work. I taught him how to tie his shoes and talk to him about God.
Every day... I'm his mom.
That reality is NEEDED. Once, on a very difficult day, my husband reminded me- "Kate, you are his mom... and he needs you to be that for however long he needs". Being reminded of that status (foster or not) was what I needed then to refocus on love. To let go of "fixing" all the issues I saw, to stop trying to mold him into what I wanted... or avoiding issues.
Being his mom also brings the accountability of parenthood with it! I need to really be a mom. Nurture, play with him, guide him, fill him up with as much good as I can to help him cope with the lingering "bad" that he has to deal with. A responsibility much bigger than food and clothes.
As an adoptive mom- we adopted our daughter at birth. This story was very different for me. I think I wanted to think of myself as "Mom" very badly but... at the time we brought her home, Buddy still called me Kate, not mom. I felt like, "Will it ever be real?". Will there be a moment when the clouds part and suddenly I KNOW I'm a mom? It was more gradual, with the love that seeped in from the moment we met our daughter, it grew into assurance that we were meant to be her parents. God placed her with us and the responsibility to raise her. The contrast of temporary vs. permanent was something I still had to grapple with. I wish it wasn't.
I think it was most helpful to me to think of these children as a temporary gift from God, regardless of how long. Isn't that true of all children? Your child is only in your care for a little while. Whether it's 21 years, or 21 months, it's ALWAYS temporary in a way. The nature of your situation does perhaps change the way you mother... but erasing your status it cannot. You're their mom.
Own it.
