Grace for the Tactless

Kind answers to rude questions.

Being a foster parent (foster family) means you've received training, not only on the care for children who have experienced trauma of some form but also for how to interact with others. They even discuss how to navigate the questions thrown at you from people who don't know any better. To be honest, my initial reaction is to be offended or to sinfully think "How could you possibly think it's okay to ask or say that"? Our family also adopted domestically- a newborn. That's another can of worms on it own.

I'm no expert. To be honest, my husband and I really feel like we're just novices. Finding our way through the many unknowns with the help of other foster parents, adoptive parents, and relying on any resources we can find. Prayer helps. I've never prayed so much in my life as since becoming a parent.

Comments can get under your skin but try to let them roll off. My husband often reminds me- think of their intent. Not everyone has such pure intentions but often people just don't know or are curious. They may be trying to relate to you in some way. Take a breath and respond with grace.

Don't you want to have [your own] kids?

What I'm thinking- these children are mine in a very real way. My daughter was adopted and is forever my daughter. My son is in foster care. He may leave us- he will FOREVER be in my heart (as my kid).

What I say- God has blessed us with two wonderful children right now. We're really grateful for these two blessings.

Wow, foster care! You're so good. They're lucky to have you.

What I'm thinking- I'm not good. No good at all. I'm the lucky one. They are blessing me with being a mom and they overlook my shortcomings.

What I say- basically what I thought. We're blessed to have each other.

I don't know how you do it, I could never give them back.

What I'm thinking- "Really?" I hear this one a lot. Of course it's hard! You know that going in... You know you'll be sad. It's sad. You can give them back because otherwise you're probably going to be arrested for kidnapping. It sounds like a cop-out. Let it go. Some people shouldn't foster because it's too much about the child and not about them. That's hard.

What I say- Well, foster care is sad no matter if Buddy (foster son) stays or leaves. The reality of it doesn't change depending on what side we're on.

Don't you get paid?

What I'm thinking- I am NOT one of those paycheck seekers!!! don't lump me in the category of THOSE foster parents! Can you get a sense of the stigma that being a foster parent brings?

What I say- there is a small daily stipend, yes but we would do it for free.

What happened to their real mom?

What I'm thinking- this is SO not your business! I am their REAL mom! I desperately want to defend my daughter's privacy but so many people needed to know about some aspects of her beginning because of needing to be in the NICU with her. With Buddy, it's hard to maintain the privacy... people ask pretty direct questions. It feels so invasive!

What I say- depends on who they're asking about. We're blessed to be able to highlight some of the amazing and beautiful qualities of our daughter's Birth mom. (I make sure to refer to her that way) and with Buddy I say "I really can't talk about it" almost every time. Sometimes if people are insistent I will say "we're praying for her to get done what she needs to".

Don't the kids have a lot of issues?

What I'm thinking- these children come from HARD places... what's your kid's excuse? (oy. Can you sense my honesty? what a wicked thought).

What I say- Some do yes. That's it. Leave it there, don't push it, just leave it.

Alright, that's my two cents. Take it, leave it, I hope you're blessed by it.